I think I died a long time ago.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
