just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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