I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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