Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
