Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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