Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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