my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
