once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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