My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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