Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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