I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
my liver is dry heaving
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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