at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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