Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
