Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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