I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
