walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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