i will never coherently bang her
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
