I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
