Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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