it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
