I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
