Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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