I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
