you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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