I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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