I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
