i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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