how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
