sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
