I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
