Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
