tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
