I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
