My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
