Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
