How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
