remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Congratulations! We have a period
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