as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
