You made me cry and you don't even care
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize