Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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