Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
