and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize