This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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