I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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