I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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