I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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