When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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