STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
