Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
