If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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