Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
