you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This house was built for laser tag.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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