how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
