dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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