I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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