I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize