When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
