I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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