My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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