yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
no, he came in my armpit
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
