Redeem this text for a blowjob
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
it's like iHOP with fire
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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