the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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