i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
